View the video and Q&A to learn Talane's top tips on how to raise your emotional intelligence instantly.
Following on from the hugely successful webinar Breaking Through the Glass Ceiling, Talane returned to host Raise Your Emotional IQ Instantly. In this webinar, Talane discussed the simple steps it takes to raise your emotional intelligence, on gaining confidence and the respect you deserve, how to identify what your top personal and emotional needs are and how to meet them.
Watch the video below and scroll down for Q&As.
Raise Your Emotional IQ Instantly - Q&As:
Q: How do you find out what your partner's needs are?
A: Start by getting your own needs met first, this makes you more aware of needs in general. Notice when he or she is irritated or annoyed as that might be indicating an unmet need (myhusband gets really annoyed when the house is messy - need is for order). You’ll find a long chapter in The Secret Laws of Attraction that goes into detail about all the most common needs and how to fulfil your own needs as well as your partners. Each need is a bit different.
Q: What if people feel disappointed if the needs are not met?
A: It is natural to feel disappointed if the needs are not met. The key is to realise that not everyone is able or capable of meeting your needs. Ideally you don’t even want to ask your partner to meet your needs, instead ask other friends and family members. This takes the pressure off your mate and you may find that then he wants to meet your needs. When we don’t HAVE to do something, we often feel like doing it. This can recreate the feelings of love and closeness people often experience early on in a relationship that wears off over time.
Q: Can you please advise on how as an employer I will be able to understand the needs of my employees and cater to them without compromising my organisational objectives?
A: Start by working on your own needs first as this will naturally heighten your awareness of other’s needs in the workplace. Then you could invite people to take the free Emotional Index Quiz at LifeCoach.com and they can find out what their own needs are. Many people have the need to be appreciated so that is a fairly safe place to start as a manager. See if you can find things to appreciate about your team and point them out in meetings so they get the public acknowledgement. Very powerful motivator!
Q: If we have been described as emotionally unintelligent at an isolated point in our career, how do you advise we address that when usually you're described as being very emotionally intelligent?
A: Some people are extroverts and get their energy from working and being with others. Others are introverts and get their energy from working alone. Extroverts put into an isolated position can often become depressed, even to the point of needing medication. This is why it is so critical to get our needs met! They are not optional. If you are required to work alone for some reason, arrange lunch dates with others, do phone conferences regularly with colleagues and bosses. Skype if you like visual contact. This helps extroverts who have to work in isolated settings.
Q: What if I look at my friends and find that the common denominator is that I have allowed myself to be treated in a way that I was not happy with. Does that mean that I have to change all my friends?
A: Not at all, but you will need to re-educate them as to how you need to be treated in the future. Use the 4-step communication model. You can take responsibility for the fact that you’ve allowed them to treat you this way (due to your own lack of sufficient boundaries) and now you are letting them know you are changing. Inform a couple of times to help them learn your new boundaries. Give them a chance to change. Many people will change because they simply didn’t know what your boundaries were. Others may not. Those are the ones you’ll have to let go of. But give them all a chance first. That is the beauty of the 4-step model. It is a graceful way to let those around you know what your boundaries now are.
Q: Can we qualify needs as things that need to come from within as opposed to those that need to be met by other people. I think putting your need to be loved and cherished in someone else's hands leaves you at their mercy but if you love and cherish yourself then others are more likely to do the same.
A: Good question! You can get your needs met by others and you can meet them yourself. I have the need to be cherished so I have asked five friends and family members to do 1 thing a week for 8 weeks to cherish me…an email, a note, a phone call. I’ve asked different people to do different things. I also hired a housecleaner and when I come home to a clean house, I feel really cherished. I get a weekly massage and that makes me feel cherished. It will be different for you (some people hate being massaged!) so you’ll need to think about what things make you feel cherished. But this is a need you really do need to ask people to do something about so don’t think you can only rely on yourself. It feels much nicer to get someone to meet your needs.
If there is no one in your life who can do that, then you may want to expand your friendships and meet some new people. I’ve had clients “adopt” parents by finding someone in a nursing home who has love to give and share. There are tons of people who have love to give and will gladly cherish you if you let them.
Q: How can we help a low-self-esteem person discover his needs when he continuously choose to run away from problems?
A: See if he can take the quiz as awareness is the first place to stop. And, model the behaviour you seek. Make sure your own needs and boundaries are being met and then you will be modelling that it can be done.
Q: Can needs conflict? E.g. Home family need to nurture vs business need to control, or do needs transcend environment?
A: Yes, sometimes they do conflict, but you can still get them met. And if you have the need to control, you’ll need to feel in control both at home and at work. What I’ve seen work for many clients is to set up domains of control in the household. For example, my husband’s domain is the cars so he chooses what cars we buy and he handles the maintenance and cleaning of them. Set clear domains so you know where you are in control and have the final say.
In modern families where both parents are working, there is a general lack of nurturing. Everybody is working and nobody has the time anymore to do the nurturing. This is why it is so important to hire a cleaner and delegate as many of the household chores as possible. Get a laundry service, hire an au pair to help with the school runs. Being a homemaker is really a full time job, creating a nurturing environment takes time and effort. When both are working, there is no one left to do the nurturing and that is stressful. Most people need to hire in more help than they realize.
Q: What can people who can't get Maslow's first level needs met do?
A: Modern day survival is complicated so getting this first level met is no small task, but it can be done. It can take a year or so unless you live in a developing country where it might be harder to accomplish. I’d recommend you work on the Clean Sweep Program (one of our online coaching programs available in the Coach Yourself to Success online course at LifeCoach.com. Take as long as you need. You can still work on your needs, but you’ll find it easier to do if you are 75 points or more on the Clean Sweep.
Q: My EQ is lowest among my peer group and wondering if this will have a negative impact on my growth opportunity....
A: Yes, it will. Well worth doing some work on your needs and boundaries. This is completely fixable so there is no reason why you can’t improve with a bit of coaching.
Feel free to email Talane Miedaner at firstname.lastname@example.org if you have any further questions.